drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
