I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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