I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
