so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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