You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
