He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
