According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
