I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
