you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
