i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
