I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
