also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
