She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
