Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
the liver wants what the liver wants
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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