I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
