I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
