Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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