I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just gift wrapped bread.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
