Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
