The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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