you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
