Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
