apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
