The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
