That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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