Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
