Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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