i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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