I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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