my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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