My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
