I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
