I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
