So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's official drugs can't kill me
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
