U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
