3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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