If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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