I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
