Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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