I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
