what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
