Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
we're so committed to being not committed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
