I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
