I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
