Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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