Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
