Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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