WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
