Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
