I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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