You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
